A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came
down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested,
but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time
being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, awakened without pain and,
as it was still early enough, decided
to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what
her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and
soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
woman he could, and copping a little
touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and, being
a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new babe who had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished …
naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed. So off they
went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight,
she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she
asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: “Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when
you’re not there.”

- “Did you dance much?”
- “You know, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete,
Bill Browning, and some other guys, so
we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But you’re not going to
believe what happened to the
guy I loaned my costume to…”

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Little JOHNNY asked his mother the age-old question:
“How did I get here?”
His mother told him, “God sent you.”
“And my cousin Matt ?”
“He sent him also” said the mother .

“Did God send you, too?” asked little Johnny.
“Yes, dear,” the mother  replied.
“Did God send dad, too?” asked little Johnny.
“Yes,  dear,” the mother replied.

“What about Grandma and Grandpa?”  Johnny persisted.

“He sent them also” the mother said.
“Did He  send their parents, too?” little Johnny asked.
“Yes, dear, He  did,” said the mother patiently.

“So you’re telling me that  there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone’s so grumpy around here!” 

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A man walked into a hospital with a concussion, various bruises, a bloody nose, blue eye and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Obviously the doctor would like to know what happened so the guy explains, “Well, me and my wife were playing golf and both of us hit our balls quite badly into an area where some cows were grazing. While we were searching for our balls I saw something white in one of the cows’ backside. I went closer, lifted her tail and as sure as I am sitting here, there was my wife’s ball neatly planted. While still holding the cows tail in the air I shouted to my wife: ‘Hey honey, it looks like yours!’ I don’t remember much after that…”

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A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, “I don’t have any money – But I’d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.” The man arched an eyebrow and asked, “Anything?”

“Yes, yes, anything!” the blonde promised. “Well then, just follow me” said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

“Come in and close the door” the man said. She did. He then said, “now get on your knees.” She did. “Now take down my zipper.” She did. “Now go ahead, take it out….” She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, “Well then………… go ahead.”

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said, “Hello…….Mum……….can you hear me?”

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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, in-hales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

HR supervisor is puzzled and asks:
“What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, “It’s Keith. The midget!”

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A new army captain was assigned to a camp in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert.

During his first inspection of the camp, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mesh tent.

He asked the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, “Well sir, as you know , there are 250 men here at this camp and no women, and sir sometimes the men have urges…”

“That’s why we have Molly the camel”

The captain says, “I can’t condone this, but I understand about the urges, so the camel can stay.

About a month later, the captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel.

The captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he’s done he asks the sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?”

“Not really,sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.”

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Speed Cop says to the drunk driver, “Sir, please step out of the vehicle.”

Drunk guy, “I’m too drunk to get out, I think it’ll be better if you get in!”

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Two Chatsworth cousins, Ravi and Pravesh, are walking down the street. And across their path is a crematorium.
Ravi aks Pravesh: Hey cousin, what’s dis crematorium ting?
Pravesh: ?Hey no man, how must I know?
Ravi:? Well, here’s wot we got to do right, run in there and check it out!
Pravesh runs in, a couple minutes later he exits the crematorium severely beaten, covered in his own blood.
Ravi (quite shocked), aks: And now Pravesh, what happened to you man?
Pravesh:?No man, I go inside, right!
Ravi:? Right?
Pravesh:?I see all dese sad people standing around, right?
Ravi: Right?
Pravesh: So I tune them, hey what’s cooking?

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Heard about the italian chef who choked on spaghetti?

He pasta way!!!!!!!!

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A guy is watching tv & suddenly yells, “Don’t enter that church, you idiot!!”, while biting into the cushion.

His wife asks him “What movie are you watching love?”

“Our Wedding!”

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