A man storms into the house very upset and runs straight to his wife who’s busy in the kitchen. “Listen to this one!” he says. “I spoke to the postman and he reckons that he’s had a steamy affair with all the women on our street except for one!”
“Oh” says his wife, “It’s probably that stuck up bitch at nr. 23!”
Wife comes home after work with a massive diamond ring. She explains to her husband that she and her boss won the Lotto together and that she bought the ring with her half of the money. A week later she arrives at home with a fur-coat. Won the Lotto again.
By the fourth week she stops in front of the house with a brand new red Ferrari. Inside the house she asks her husband to draw her a bath, which he does. She gets in the bathroom only to find that there is barely enough water in the tub to cover the plug and she asks him why he didn’t fill the bath. He laughs and says, “We don’t want your ‘Lotto ticket’ to get wet, now do we?”
Little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a
book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards. Little Johnny asked
why he wore his collar
The man, who was a priest, said. ” I am a Father.” Johnny replied.
“My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered. “I am
the Father of many.”
Johnny said. “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two
grandchildren and he
doesn’t wear his collar that way!”
The priest, getting impatient, said. “I am the Father of hundreds” and went
back to reading his book.
Littlie Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.
“Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar.”
I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi !, how are you ?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “So what are you up to ?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here !”. From next door, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said ” rather busy right now”. The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions”
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A plane is on its way to Cape Town when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to First Class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket, She then tells the blonde passenger that she’s paid for Economy and that She will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Cape Town…. And I’m staying right here!” The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.
The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to A blonde, and I speak blonde!” He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m sorry – I had no idea,” gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied….. “I told her First Class isn’t going to Cape Town”
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled
“YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE”
He went to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “from now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is LAW.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”
Die vliegtuig het pas opgestyg. Een manlike passasier sit en byt sy vingernaels en vee heeltyd sweet van sy voorkop af. ‘n Lugwaardin sien hom raak en sê, “Meneer, kan ek vir u iets van die kroeg af kry om u te kalmeer?”
Die man knik instemmend terwyl hy vreeslik bewe. Sy kom met ‘n drankie en hy sluk dit haastig af. Tien minute later sien die lugwaardin dieselfde man erg bewe en sy naels byt. Sy bring hom nog ‘n drankie wat hy ook haastig afsluk. ‘n Halfuur later merk sy op dat die man nog erger bewe en ook saggies huil.
“Ag siestog, Meneer,” sê die lugwaardin, “ek het nog nooit iemand gesien wat so bang is om te vlieg nie!”
“Ek is nie bang om te vlieg nie”, snik die man, “ek probeer ophou drink!”